Emotional Abuse Recovery NOW

When love flies out of the window

Q: How long do the beliefs we learn in childhood condition our life?

A: Until we consciously address them in adulthood. First, of course, we have to become aware of them.

At the moment, I am preparing a teleclass on relationships that I will deliver later this month. As I started to think about where I learned the things that coloured my early (and not so early) attempts at relationships, my father’s words sprang unbidden to my mind:

“When you get married”, he used to say, because he was speaking before living together became socially acceptable: “love flies out of the window.”

He made it sound as inevitable as it was depressing. (My father’s most depressing utterances were always his most persuasive.)

I knew exactly what my father meant. I had seen the embodiment of his words throughout my formative years. So the concept lodged itself firmly in my brain, and there it has stayed for decades.

What my regrettably cynical father meant was this: “When you are first in a relationship, you invest your partner with magical qualities, the sun rises and sets because of them, every word they speak is profound, wonderful. In a flawed world they alone are perfect. And then, with familiarity, that perfection vanishes. They become ordinary, dull, flawed, imperfect, part of the furniture.”

Now, my father was talking in terms of a relatively functional relationship, not a grossly abusive one.

Was he right?

He was right for himself. He believed, and therefore he lived out, the credo that familiarity breeds contempt.

Do I believe that?

I would have said not, but recently I’ve become aware that, unconsciously, I still harboured that old belief. I can still worry that with time my love for another will become more critical, less all embracing.

Obviously that is by no means the worst belief or scenario that you can be exposed to in childhood. Still, it is damaging enough. But more than that, I think it is worth mentioning because it is indicative of the damaging beliefs that you, and I, carry forward from childhood.

In my experience, abused women carry many old, limiting beliefs about relationships. Most commonly, they are simply not aware of them. They can long for the best in their life, but the beliefs that have been programmed into them lead them to expect… if not the worst, then something second, or third, rate.

I wasn’t happy to discover my father’s old window belief still lodged in my brain, so I started exploring the sense I could make of it. When we find our partner flawed, dull and imperfect that judgement is really about us. We find fault with them because we feel so inadequate ourselves that we need them to be better than we are, to confer on us the acceptability that we feel we lack.

Almost invariably they will fail to match our expectation, because they were never programmed to fulfil our every wish and whim. We feel critical and resentful when they fail to meet our expectation because they show us up; their table manners, for example, reflect badly on us. Allegedly.

In reality, our partner’s behaviours only ever reflect on them, as ours do on us.

Curiously enough, love does not appear to fly out of the window when we are maltreated. Abused women have, if anything, a pathological attachment to their abusive partner. In reality, that has far more to do with fixation than love.

But then, when I think about it, I would challenge my father’s definition of love. He confused love with putting another person on a pedestal. The purpose of that is only ever:

To make the lover feel better, in the short-term (“I’ve got someone I can put on my pedestal”)
To give the lover the long-term satisfaction of saying: “It’s my pedestal and you’re not allowed near it, because you’re not worthy of it. Because I say you’re not!”

Kindergarten stuff, not so? But, how we take it to heart, when we forget to picture our infantile partner as he truly looks, in the psychological short trousers he will never outgrow.

My belief about love is different. I believe true love is about constantly looking for ways to cherish the other person; when you are truly loved, you are truly cherished, and safe.

Love like that has to be the pot of gold. Too many of us believe we are lucky if we can have the crock of excrement.

NOW 1-2-1 Telephone Coaching With Annie

“My counsellor has been telling me for months that I don’t listen to her. But when you say something, Annie, I hear it.” Mimi P.

You don’t need me to tell you how hard it is to get your head together when you’ve been in an abusive relationship. Like me, you've been there. You know. Like me, you know what time can and cannot do. You know, by now, that your demons, and his, are always there, waiting for you in the shadows.

Some days you feel motivated to keep going and other days you’d be happy to give up and settle for a single crumb of affection from him.

You can waste months and years going through the same old pattern of hope and despair; as if you hadn’t wasted enough time on him already.

That’s when telephone coaching can really help.

Imagine having someone at the other end of the phone who:

understands exactly what you are going through
is totally focused on your recovery
has successfully helped hundreds of women in your situation
believes totally in your ability to move on
knows from experience that, given the right support, it will be way easier than you think to heal your life
really cares about your present pain and future happiness

“That’s all well and good, but I can’t commit to any long, slow process, Annie.”

Coaching is quick and effective.

Coaching will stop you going round and round the same old loop and start thinking constructively so you can feel good about yourself and your life.

You know how you stopped believing in Father Christmas once you were told he didn’t exist?

Well, once you have been told who your abusive partner really is, you won’t be able to believe all the lies he told you any more. Which will leave you free to put the pieces of your life back together again.

So you can get your life back, only much, much better.

Because everybody has different learning styles, Annie offers 30 minute and 60 minute telephone consultations at reasonable rates.

Whether you have 1 consultation or several is entirely up to you, but expect coaching to make a big difference.

Secure your first consultation NOW.

Get the support you need to change your life NOW.

“What will it cost me, Annie?”

"I could easily have charged $300 for an hour of my time. I usually do. But I wanted to make this service accessible to as many women as possible. So, for now, I'm charging the rock bottom price of just $50 for a 30 minute coaching consultation, or $100 for a full 60 minutes."

CLICK HERE to book a 30 minute coaching consultation.

CLICK HERE to book a 60 minute coaching consultation

How much is that when you focus on the weeks and months by which it will shorten your learning curve get rid of the pain and the obsession about an abusive partner and jump start your enjoyment of life?

If you don't take action now, your life won't change. But if you do, just 2 or 3 months from now, you can be that woman saying: "It's amazing. I've come so far and I feel so much better."

Your recovery can be fast, easy and joyful.

Is that something that you want for yourself?

Because if it is, I'm really looking forward to working with you.

So book your first consultation NOW!

BUY THE E-BOOK

"This is the most valuable recovery tool I have used. I am beginning to believe recovery is possible. Thanks." KAF

When I finally ended my marriage, the question that obsessed me was: “How do I heal from this?” After 20+ years in an abusive marriage, I'd had it with struggling with despair, sorrow, anger and pain. I wanted a life worth living.

I wanted to be emotionally whole and healthy. But I didn’t know where to start. So I did everything I could. I tried psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, group counselling. I read about abuse and talked about abuse. It all helped and I’m grateful to everyone and everything that helped move me along.

The knowledge I acquired was valuable, no doubt about it. But the one thing that enabled me to make the shift out of that dark world of fear and desperation was learning to believe in me again. The more I started to value and respect myself, the easier it became to move on.

Learning how you can rebuild your confidence and faith in yourself is the most healing journey you can possibly take. Your world starts to change the moment the moment your feelings about yourself start to change.

The more you value yourself, the more others will value you. My ebook will show you how to do that.

Everything I know about how to make that journey into healing and happiness has gone into my ebook “The Woman You Want To Be”.

It’s not a “quick fix”. When you are at rock bottom, there is no such thing as a "quick fix". What it is, is a structured programme that will guide you back to your inner joy, your gifts and a strong sense of your unique worth. It's not a "quick fix", but most women start to feel stronger and more positive within weeks.

Over the course of nearly a year, “The Woman You Want To Be” will guide you out of your limiting, negative thinking and into a new perspective on yourself and your world. You'll learn how you can access your strengths, your trust in yourself and your joy so that you won't have to live any more amid the rubble of broken dreams. Instead you can build the world for yourself in which you can enjoy happiness, true connection with others and thesuccess you want for yourself.

This 10 step workbook is a vital resource for women who want to discover their true potential in all areas of their life. It will teach you how you can believe in and value yourself as never before.

To purchase Annie’s ebook, go to: www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com

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