Emotional Abuse Recovery NOW
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My name is Annie Kaszina and I spent over
twenty years in an abusive marriage, before I learned how I could become
the woman I want to be. Now I work with women who have been in
controlling and abusive relationships, to facilitate their journey into
joy and self-realisation.
"All of the things that I have read that you've offered have been miraculously good for me. I read what you write and I feel myself identifying, relating, and even beginning to heal after a verbally abusive marriage of 18 years. I'm happy to discover that I'm not dirt after all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And bless you, bless you, bless you!" Marianne K
1. A Half-shot Latte
Can your abusive (ex-)partner do a Jekyll and Hyde routine?
Can he sometimes switch from Mr Nasty to Mr Nice Guy?
And does Mr Nice Guy appear when has got the message that he really has gone too far this time?
Not because he feels genuine remorse – much as you might like to think he does – but because he knows that he needs to do something to reel you back in. Because, if he doesn’t reel you back in, and you go off and finally end the relationship, it is bound to cause him some inconvenience, at some level.
The bottom line is that he will lose someone he uses, in various ways, to make himself feel good. And it will cost him more time and trouble to mold a new partner than it does to play his games with you.
From your point of view, of course, it looks very different. When you have invested - a lot - in an abusive partner, you want to believe there is a tipping point; you hang on hoping that, with enough input and education from you, Mr Nice Guy will become the fixture. In your fantasy, your abusive partner will understand how much he has hurt you, and how much you love him, and need him to change, and…
There is a fundamental flaw in every abused woman’s thinking here, and it lies in the gulf between the way she thinks she has been educating her partner, and the message that he receives.
She thinks that he hears her statement – that he must not treat her that way, because it is painful to her.
What he actually hears is that she is asking him, from a place of powerlessness, whether he would, please, be kind enough to change. And he wouldn’t.
He will play act, to the best of his ability, for as long as he needs to. But he will do no more than that.
This week, I’ve been working with a woman whose sometime partner is Mr Nasty having a Mr Nice Guy moment. But that’s not what she sees. She sees that he is being ‘really loving and caring’. Her fantasy is that, finally, the tipping point has been reached.
I doubt this somehow. I’ve no doubt he is saying at least some of the right things, and doing enough of the right things for her hungry heart to swallow his bait unquestioningly. Even though she has enough experience to know exactly how it will end; in another abusive explosion.
Contrast that scenario with a story I heard in the same week from another woman who, after many years with an abusive partner, now has a truly loving partner. This woman, Dee, could not help but share the story of a half-shot latte.
Briefly, what happened was this: Dee’s partner lives in another town, but spends as much time with her as he can. One Monday morning, he went to the bank in her town, before returning to his home. He invited her to go with him and have a latte – Dee just loves a half-shot latte. She had to refuse because of an early appointment. The partner did his business, and went 10 minutes out of his way to drop off a half-shot latte (and sugar sachets) to her, before driving home.
Is one latte a big deal?
Yes, it is, in reality. For a number of reasons, including:
If you think about your abusive relationship, you probably hear the word ‘love’ bandied about a lot – quite often to tell you where you are going wrong, by not behaving lovingly enough.
Your abusive partner has very clear ideas about everything that you should be doing for him. How much time does he spend thinking about what he could do to brighten your day?
Did that question raise a wry smile, I wonder?
Once, after he had been particularly vile, my then husband felt he had to make a big gesture to reel me back in. As I have a long-term love affair with Italy, and we live in the UK, he decided he would take me to Italy for a weekend. He informed me that my favourite city is Milan. Now, I’m passionate about Venice, Rome, Florence, and a few other cities also, but Milan, which I’d recently visited with him, is my least favourite Italian city.
It wasn’t important enough for him to even register that.
How much of what is important to you does even a long-term abusive partner bother to discover?
Does he know your favourite book, film, colour, music, restaurant, café, city or beach?
More to the point, does he care?
If not, why not?
And, if he doesn’t, can you see how you have educated him to believe that what matters to you is not that important?
Maybe he doesn’t have to care about the things that you care about. But if he is not prepared to respect what you care about, simply because you care about it, it is a clear sign that he doesn’t care about – and respect - you.
That’s what made that latte so precious to Dee. A $2 latte showed her that her partner was prepared to care about her in a way that mattered to her.
You don’t see an
abusive man doing that.
How do you want to be loved?
All abusive relationships start with compromise.
My experience of listening to the story of hundreds and hundreds of abused women suggests three levels of compromise:
Now the notion of settling for less needs some expansion. There is a notion around that, especially if you have reached 30, or so, your ‘biological clock is ticking’ and you should be prepared to settle for Mr Good Enough.
I don’t buy that one, at all. As you know to your cost, it is a dangerous notion, indeed. Abused women are pitifully bad at identifying Mr Good Enough, or even Mr Half-way Good, correctly.
Too many women end up in abusive relationships because their internal dialogue goes something like this:
“Well, you might as well face it, you’re not so hot. You can’t expect anyone really fabulous to come along, so you might as well make do with this guy. He’s the best you can hope for. Especially as being with him gives you an opportunity to stand in his shadow and hide your inadequacies behind him.”
The bottom line for women who end up in an abusive relationship is that they don’t know how they want to be loved.
They don’t know how they want to be loved, because they had no experience in their formative years of being truly loved, and accepted unconditionally.
They had no experience of being good enough, just as they were, just because…
You would be more inclined to put up with an abusive, critical partner, would you not, if experience had taught you that you never had been and never were going to be good enough?
Part of the healing process for abused women is learning to love themselves.
When you think about it – which you probably don’t very much – loving yourself costs nothing, and harms nobody.
When you are constantly striving to give love without receiving love, you are running on empty; and that, inevitably, harms you. When you can love yourself, giving and receiving love become much, much easier, because your love tank is always being replenished.
Still, making the shift, from the self-loathing that has been programmed into you by an abusive partner, to self-love, is not easy. This is why it is so important for abused women to start to focus on the good feelings they get from other people, rather than on the bad feelings an abusive partner foists on them.
Some women who leave an abusive relationship are in a rush to dive into the next relationship. Others don’t even want to contemplate another relationship ever again.
I’ve no doubt that taking the time to be relationship-free long enough to heal and learn to truly love themselves is the best thing that abused women can possibly do.
But still, it is really useful to ask yourself: “How do I want to be loved?”
Especially if you don’t have any clear answer.
Because, envisioning how you want to be loved, will help you to discover what is valuable and lovable about you. In order to have a vision of how you want to be loved, you have to enter into a more loving dialogue with yourself. You have to move from the self-loathing dialogue to a more constructive way of relating to yourself.
So here’s a clue: how you want to be loved is actually the way that you want to be treated. It’s something you need to be very, very specific about. Settling for less is extremely dangerous; you’ve already tried it, you know how much it has cost you.
The way you want to be treated is not about your financial circumstances; it’s not about being showered with expensive gifts, or any of the public trappings of a relationship. What it is about is the dynamics of your relationship.
If you want to feel loved, what specific behaviours will show you that you are loved?
If you want to feel respected, how will your partner’s behaviour towards you show you that you are respected?
If you want to feel valued, what will your partner have to say, and do, to show you that you are valued?
If you want to feel treated as an equal, how will you know that he treats you as an equal?
If you want to feel cherished, how will your partner’s behaviour show you that you are cherished?
How good will it feel to have someone in your life who really, really cares about your feelings?
So now for the killer question:
Why would you imagine that anybody else is going to do for you what you are not prepared to do for yourself?
Every small step you take towards loving yourself brings that feeling of being loved and lovable that much closer.
Neither you, nor I, can know if, or when you will have another partner in your life. Right now, it doesn’t even matter.
But you can start feeling loved and lovable right now; plenty of people in your life will be willing to reflect that message back to you, just as soon as you start to feel it for yourself.
Even if you can only feel it for yourself for 30 seconds at a time, that is a useful start.
Try it, and you
3. 1-2-1 Telephone Coaching NOW With Annie
"How much faster would your recovery be
with the guidance and support of someone
who really understand what you have been through
and knows how to help you heal FAST!"
You don’t need me to tell you how hard it is to get over an abusive relationship.
You can lose months and years going through the same old pattern of hope, despair and self-loathing. As if you hadn’t wasted enough time on him already.
That’s when Emotional Abuse Recovery coaching can really help.
Imagine having someone at the other end of the phone who:
“That’s all well and good, but I can’t commit to any long, slow process, Annie. I have to know that it will be worth it.”
Coaching is quick and effective.
In fact, it may well be the best investment you ever make.
Coaching will stop you going round and round the same old loop and start thinking constructively so you can feel good about yourself and your life.
Once you really see who your abusive partner really is, you won’t be able to believe all the lies he told you any more. So you will be free to put the pieces of your life back together again.
So you can get your life back, only much, much better.
Expect Emotional Abuse Recovery coaching to make a big difference.
With the support that you need, you will be able to start making massive leaps forward in the shortest possible time.
Get the support you need to change your life NOW.
“What will it cost me, Annie?”
"I could easily have charged $300 for an hour of my time. I usually do. But I wanted to make this service accessible to as many women as possible. So, for now, I'm charging the rock bottom price of just $100 for a full 60 minutes."
CLICK HERE to book a 60 minute coaching consultation
$100 is a lot of money, if you think you are just throwing it away and nothing will change. But how much is it worth to you to:
If you don't take action now, your life won't change. Three months and three years from now, you could still be saying: "How could he...?"
But only take action, and 2 or 3 months from now, you can be that woman saying: "It's amazing. I can't believe I've come so far and I feel so much happier."
Your recovery can be fast, easy and joyful.
Is that something that you want for yourself?
Because if it is, I'm really looking forward to working with you.
So book your first consultation NOW!
CLICK HERE to book a 60 minute coaching consultation
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It’s not a “quick fix”. When
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5. A FREE Gift for you
Because you have subscribed to my list and I value you, I want to offer you as much FREE stuff as possible.
Keep your eyes open, because there will be more great FREE offers in future ezines, also.
This week I've completed my latest e-Book, "I'm Too Good To Be Treated That Way", and I would love some feedback from you.
This is one comment I've received so far:
So here's the deal: for the next 24 hours, you can download "I'm Too Good To Be Treated That Way", worth $27.00, from this link:
after that, I'll take the link down, and the opportunity will be gone.
One more thing: because I would love some feedback from you, someone will win a FREE 1-2-1 coaching session with me - just by sending in their feedback.
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So, if you are interested, click through on the link while it is up. After that, it goes.
Make sure you take this valuable opportunity while it is available.
About the Author
Annie Kaszina is a specialist Empowerment Coach who can work with you
through "The Woman You Want To Be" programme, workshops and one to one
coaching. You'll learn to root out self-limiting beliefs, tap into your
inner joy and attract the relationships you want.
Let me know what you think - about anything!